Ten days of silent meditation taught me why fidgeting is genius
I traveled halfway around the world to discover what my body already knew.
"Excuse me, do you have a book on how to stretch the muscles for cross-legged position?" Puzzled face, defensive hands. Long pause. "Dude, aaaaah dunno." Apparently even the surfer-employee at the Byron-Bay book store had no idea what I was talking about. Unfortunately for both, neither had I. But I was desperate to find something—anything—that would prepare me for what lay ahead.
It was before smartphones and chatbots, and despite my medical background I had no idea what to do when my friend had said "Train, so that you can sit longer in cross-legged position." That was his preparatory advice for my upcoming 10-day meditation retreat. So that is what I was trying to figure out while traveling Australia's East Coast.
Once back home, I hitchhiked to the retreat up in the woods in former east Germany's no-man's land. First I had to deliver my phone, that was expected. Then all my books, ok, so no reading for me. Then I had to deliver all paper, pencil and other writing material, now I became mildly suspicious. After the introductory welcome, I mildly freaked out as I thought that I had landed at a cult-like sect and was about to be brain-washed. Since up in the woods in no-man's land and hitchhiking - no way for me to flee. I scolded myself for - yet again - not having prepared myself properly of what it was I was getting myself into. "Life changing meditation retreat" as summary from my trusted friend was enough for me to sign up without ever reading the fine-print.
THE MONKEY MIND PROBLEM
Why the need for a "life changing meditation retreat" in the first place?
Like many I was both blessed and cursed with that monkey called my mind. I had tried a gazillion ways to reign him in. But that guy tuned in every morning like a mexican radio-station and when not giving a very specific task or when not giving a damn about that very specific task, it just did its monkey thing of running wild and living the misconception that it is the monkey is in charge.
During that retreat—after overcoming my initial panic—I discovered something fundamental about meditation that no book had ever properly explained to me.
I had heard before that meditation is a thing. Supposedly something that tames that monkey and re-established order between the ears. It was just so freaking hard to do, because none of the explanations or advice I got, heard or read about actually worked. I had read "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle. Good book, no question. But I couldn't implement the advice of "Just be in the Now". How tf do you actually do that?
THE MEDITATION MISCONCEPTION
Many believe meditation is about emptying the mind completely or achieving some blissful trance state. This misconception leads to frustration when thoughts inevitably arise. The real practice isn't about having no thoughts—it's about changing your relationship with them.
One of the key revelations for me was the intertwined connection between body and mind. The mind is most of the time either in the past - musing and worrying about things that happened, things that have been said and done, or should have been said and done. Or it is in the future - musing and worrying about things that are expected to happen, things that will be said and done, or should be said and done. Nothing against a conscious evaluation about how things went for learning purposes. Nothing against future plannings and preparation. It's just, that this is not what we do 95% of the time. We spend our mental time in a dream world that is either already gone - so nothing to do about that - or hasn't yet happened - so nothing to do about that either. So the only thing that actually is - is now.
THE LIGHTNING INSIGHT
It hit me like a bolt of lightning: while my mind could time-travel endlessly between past and future, my body existed nowhere but NOW. This wasn't just philosophical—it was the practical key I'd been missing. I could anchor my awareness in bodily sensation, I could finally access the present moment.
"The mind can travel through time, but the body exists only in the now. This isn't philosophy—it's the practical key to presence."
Sounds logical, sounds profound and smart. Problem is, it is extremely hard to choose to be in that state just with your mind - as we discussed above. That is because that ability is like a muscle that for most of us has never been trained and thus is very weak. The monkey mind is a very useful and powerful tool, but he should not be in charge. So it requires you to take the leash from him steering the mighty elephant that is your body, put him in the back and take charge yourself.
And the easiest entry point to do just that is to realize that your body is the only thing that is tied to the ever-continuing present moment of now. Think about it - your body is not in the past (think your body of youth) nor in the future (think of your body of age). It is always in the now. That is why if you root your awareness in a bodily sensation, you anchor yourself in the now.
I am not the first to realize that our current way of living and lifestyle makes it even harder to actually come to our senses, lose our minds and be in the present moment.
THE BUDDHA'S DECEPTIVELY SIMPLE ADVICE
Technically, the solution is simple and is publicly available for centuries. Legend has it that when the Buddha was getting ready to leave his earthly body, hundreds of people gathered to say their farewell. One man came running, panting that he wanted to learn the path to enlightenment. The Buddha waved him close and with his last breath told him the secret:
Sit down.
Close your eyes.
Watch your breath.
Most people can manage step one. But once we close our eyes the problems start for most.
THE MODERN ATTENTION CRISIS
For once, our visual senses have the biggest bandwidth in terms of amount of informational intake per time unit. That's why we say an image says more than a thousand words. Now, we live in a world with nearly ubiquitous giant screens and displays with moving images in our surroundings and the addictive honeytraps of endlessly-scrolling of moving images on the little displays we always carry around with us. Pair that with constant auditory stimulation via headphones and canned-music on every public bathroom and you have a perfect mix of constant information overload. This is like a constant delivery of crystal meth for your monkey mind.
So once you closed your eyes, you crave visual stimulus and you revert to your image-generating powers - your imagination.
And our app-swiping gold-fish-like attention spans do the rest in rendering watching your own breath longer than three seconds a seemingly impossible task.
If you've tried meditation and felt like a failure because your mind wouldn't 'shut up,' know this: everyone—literally everyone—faces the same challenge. The difference isn't having no thoughts; it's developing the capacity to notice them without being swept away.
There is a clear need for peace of mind, quietness and mental stillness - meditation app downloads in the millions attest to that.
And although these guided meditations with rainforest background sounds have their merit, they achieve only a superficial type of calmness. One where you just divert the attention away, again away from the present moment. Like if you would lure the mental monkey away with a banana. The effect is just temporary in nature.
Research has consistently shown that regular meditation practice reduces stress hormones like cortisol while increasing gray matter density in areas of the brain associated with self-awareness and compassion—tangible evidence of what I had experienced subjectively.
We were sitting in a little park in Milano, Italy. A weird bunch of people from all walks of life, a greek millionaire from Crete, a singer song-writer from California, a couple of other people and Franky a part-time yoga teacher from the Netherlands. We all just have had some sort of otherworldly experience in the great Dome of Milano, listening to a rehearsal of the cathedral's choir. After 10 days of sensual deprivation at my second Vipassana retreat, my perception was so heightened that I could literally feel the sound waves produced by the choir as we sat in meditation inside the magnificent church.
In that great Dome of Milano, the choir's voices didn't just reach my ears—they vibrated through my chest, tingled along my spine, and seemed to illuminate the space behind my closed eyelids. After days of sensory deprivation, each note felt like a physical presence in the sacred space.
THE YOGA CONNECTION
In the park Franky was telling me about his belief that Yoga is major beneficial linking step for life in our society to get the mind into a state where you actually can go through Buddha's simple three step program. That is a system to reduce circulating energy in your body. I remember how he told me that he is able to stay in headstand for longer stretches of time, and how beneficial that would be to the practice. I was deeply impressed.
On my way home I was trying to figure out what that Yoga thing exactly was - it was before the big every-fitness-studio-offers-yoga-classes wave. I ended up with an old very technical, very philosophical text about Yoga that I couldn't use for anything. So I dropped the subject. But somehow Franky's words lingered on. And as I was having a hard time keeping my meditation habit in my regular work and life environment, I set out to seek that Yoga thing again.
I started with some online classes, geeked out, tried every type of Yoga - understood as the physical exercise focused part, not the entire philosophy - from Hatha, to Vinyasa, to Bikram, Ashtanga and Kundalini, just to name the most common ones. I built my very own best-practice version for myself, I can comfortably stand in headstand for longer periods of time. But that is not the point.
The point is, that a breath-focused physical practice does a tremendous job in activating your parasympathetic nervous circuitry, helping you to get out of your head, into your body, into the now. And it lays the ground work for doing what we call meditation.
There is this theory, that if you were only to do one Yoga pose it would be Shavasana, the corpse pose. As people can't lay still, similar to that they can't sit still, we require the prior exercises to bring the body to a state where it can lay still. Twists and stretches as well as holding positions of the big muscle groups help tremendously with that.
So in short: You can't sit still because you can't lay still. You can't lay still because of all that circulating energy in your body and mind. So you exhaust and calm your body and mind so can lay still and then sit still.
THE RENAISSANCE APPROACH
This meditation insight was a pivotal moment in my journey—one that eventually led me to develop a comprehensive framework for high-achievers balancing career success, family life, and personal fulfillment. What began as a quest to quiet my mind evolved into something much more profound: a complete Renaissance Operating System for living a Renaissance life where professional achievement doesn't come at the cost of sacrificing yourself.
Although proven as a legend, the common quote still holds some truth:
How long should I meditate daily?
- 20 minutes.
I don't have so much time.
- Then it should be one hour.
Based on my own experience, it is especially in times when I "don't feel like" doing Yoga or meditation, that if I do it anyways it has a seemingly even greater beneficial impact on my wellbeing.
Like with any thing we know we would like to do more - I don't like the word "should" - and we don't do, it becomes a matter of prioritization. We say it's important to us - maybe because it feels good and creates a delightful image of ourselves, classical ego flattering. But we don't act as if it's important to us. So it factually isn't.
It is like some of my patients showing up with giant tumors on their heads, barely concealed by a baseball cap. When you ask them why they didn't see any doctor sooner, they say "I was afraid it might be something malignant."
The same way we shy away from practices where we might be confronted with feelings and emotions that are unpleasant or come to face existential questions that frighten us. It's just easier to sit in some white noise ocean sound carpet on your headphones, having some chic affirmations read to you while you keep engaging in mental arguments over things that have or might happen. It's our feel-good basecap.
I am not here to tell anyone what is right or what is wrong, nor what works or what doesn't. Simply because I don't know either.
I can only point to the things that have proven to work for me. One reason why that first meditation retreat had such a lasting impact on me, was a specific feeling I got there. The feeling of someone actually being able to help not just in theory. Someone saying, look, here is the path, here is a backpack with essentials, I put your foot on the first step. Now you know how to work and where to go, good luck with your journey.
This journey from meditation insight to fully integrated living wasn't straightforward. As someone balancing a demanding surgical career, research pursuits, family responsibilities, and creative expression, I've had to develop systems that allow for the full spectrum of achievement without the burnout that typically follows. The body-mind connection I discovered through meditation became just one component of what I now call the Renaissance Operating System—a comprehensive framework for those who refuse to sacrifice themselves while succeeding everywhere else.
Either way, the best thing to do after reading this would be some sort of physical exercise for 10 minutes where you at least mildly sweat, then sit down, close your eyes and watch your breath. This isn't just philosophical advice—it's the practical pathway that has worked for countless practitioners, including myself, for thousands of years.
To more in life,
Nicco
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