The Success Paradox: Why Your Worst Days Prove You're Winning
High achievers don't have fewer problems—they have more expensive ones
High achievers have more brutal days than failures. Here's why that's actually the point.
It's 7:15am, one of my lead consultants calls in sick, I delegate the adaptation of the daily schedule with that info. 7:20am another one calls in sick because of child sickness. Now the OR program starts to fail, I need to step in but can't. I am trying to help my youngest one put on his socks. My wife is traveling for concerts. I am dropping off child 1, 2, 3 while simultaneously coordinating meetings to be moved around.
I am sweating against the drizzly cold gusty headwind to just make it in time and jump through the closing doors of the train. Some frantic 25 minutes mail correspondence later I rush into the OR, assist the surgery. A couple of back-to-back meeting marathons afterwards and no lunch and I ask myself not for the first time that day if it really has to be so brutal.
Another call, some issue during surgery, if I can come and help. Of course I do. Texting my wife on the way to the OR that I won't make it home in time as planned. She kindly arranges things with our nanny, as she is still out of town. I fly to the train to read my private mails, harsh reminder to send my finalized speech proposal. And the reminder from the tax accountant. I compose some music to calm down and arrive at the main train station. It pours.
It's one of those days, one of those dog days. But I'll make it home. We all sit down, share our frustrations from the day and with each other because of that day. Then we dance. And after the kids went to bed I am finalizing my speech proposal.
Most people would pity this. You could shake your head and think why would anyone do that. You could question my life choices and ask if this is all worth it. I do that too.
The Reality of Dog Days
But here's the truth: There will always be dog days. Days where nothing works out. Or at least not as expected.
But these days will be there irrespective of what I choose to do. I could have not worked as head of a surgery department. I could have decided against a big family, I could not do any of these things. But the dog days would still come.
Often times we go about life pretending that every day is a dog day, when it actually isn't. And at the same time there is a clear sign to change something in your life if the amount of dog days increase significantly.
The Success Paradox
In the bigger scheme of things, dog days are a built-in part of a glorious life. The more glorious your regular life, the doggier the dog days. Higher ups, deeper downs.
This isn't a bug—it's a feature.
Ambitious people don't have fewer problems—they have more expensive ones. Your capacity for joy is directly proportional to your tolerance for chaos. The art lies in keeping your equanimity through both.
A Lesson from the Burn Ward
It was in 2014 in my early resident days when I got my first rotation on the burn ward. A time of lots of personnel rotation, many experienced nurses leaving, bad vibes, gossiping and badmouthing. The burn ward was a psychological infection zone. Negativity spread like sepsis. I caught it within a week—started taking other people's misery home, dumping it on my wife. She called me out: "This stops now." Best intervention of my career.
The next day I went and talked to an old navy anesthesiologist - very Christian in his everything. I told him my frustration, my worries about everything going down.
He looked at me and said with biblical pathos:
"Care for your next, not for their neighbor"
I took that as advice to change the things within my circle of influence and stop focusing on the ones outside of that circle.
I went up to the ward room, tore down all yellowed, bleached out documents from the wall, put up a whiteboard and had an impromptu discussion with the entire staff on the principles of our collaboration. It felt liberating. And it was the last day of me spreading the negativity virus.
Why Comfortable People Never Win
The world is not only roses and sunshine, it's not all crap and rain weather either.
Einstein boiled it down to one choice: Is the universe friendly or hostile? I chose friendly. This doesn't mean it's easy. It means the chaos serves a purpose.
That being said, life will throw - what you at first glance believe to be - rocks at you. According to “Free”, a freestyle vipassana monk I recently had a discussion with: Suffering is a built-in part of living. Why else would your body start hurting when you are sitting still for a longer while. Asking why that is, is a futile question. Similar to the Buddha's reply to the question of what the meaning of life is: It is the wrong question. No answer will ever be satisfying. It just is.
Why am I writing about this today?
For one, to show and share that every life has suffering. Mine does too. The degrees differ. But suffering is always subjective and not fun. It is a normal part of life.
Yes, I'm privileged. Yes, I have help. That's exactly the point—even with every advantage, life still throws curveballs. If you're waiting for easier circumstances to start pursuing what matters, you're waiting forever.
Living and striving for a multipassionate life will not eliminate your suffering. But it will increase your joy and happiness overall.
Living out all the yearning parts is not easy. It is actually brutal. But it is also incredibly satisfying. And it will make the necessary dog days much more tolerable - because you know and deep down feel what you are experiencing them for.
So have a good look at your current life. Have a good look at your attitude towards Einstein's question - whether you believe the universe to be a friendly place.
Then look at the doggy areas of your life, focus on your own circle of influence and glorify them.
The next time chaos hits, remember: this isn't happening to you, it's happening for you. Your capacity to handle it is exactly what separates you from everyone still making excuses.
To more in life
Nicco
Dog Days The Song