Berlin's most exclusive bouncer rejected me

He taught me why not fitting in is your secret weapon

3 am, Berlin. I am freezing. We have been in line for almost two hours now. You can hear the dampened pounding of the deep bass through the walls of the temple. Next to us, a guy is barely able to stay on his feet. He's swaying like a reed in the wind, most of his upper body covered in vomit, likely his own. He's definitely on more than one drug that night.

The queue advances and we're finally in front of probably the world's most famous bouncer, with his signature metal piercings and tattoo over his face. A quick one-second glance, and with a friendly "No company outings tonight," our journey ends then and there. With a pat on the shoulder, he winks vomit-guy in.

I had warned my friends from out of town that this could be a likely outcome, but they wanted to keep their button-down shirts on—the same ones that got us into that posh high-rise penthouse club earlier that night.

This was one of those moments when I viscerally realized just how much we, as humans, love to create exclusive clubs—granting access based on arbitrary parameters. It became clear that being on the outside isn't just a misfortune; it's a chance to define your own terms.

You like techno? Throw up on your shirt. You like hip-hop? Better wear those baggy pants. You dig current pop and EDM? Button up.

Mine – yours. Us – them. In – out. It's a primal need to draw a line in the sand and define the boundary as what separates two sides.

It always made me sad and sometimes angry.

The Biology of Belonging: From Cells to Society

But it's probably one of the defining features of what we call life: an organizing principle to increase the likelihood of survival.

It was only when basic molecules in the primordial soup of existence became charged and developed polarity that they could arrange themselves to create layers. Once connected, these layers created a fenced-off area—separated and protected from the surroundings. The primordial line in the sand. Here, different chemical reactions could take place that wouldn't be possible or stable on the other side—and thus, a cell was born.

Over time, more cells flocked together, creating larger entities shielding themselves off from the environment. DNA became a blueprint for creating shielded-off entities. This continues all the way up to complex, multi-trillion cell human beings. We then start the process over again—forming groups to create larger entities shielding ourselves from the surroundings: tribes, towns, cities, states.

Social psychologists—including Henri Tajfel with his 'minimal group paradigm' experiments—have shown just how quickly and arbitrarily humans form in-groups and out-groups.

This has served evolution and humanity well in terms of survival and spreading. It doesn't necessarily do so on an individual level today. Not that evolution would care, but I do.

The Fear That Shapes Us

Not that long ago, being excluded from your fenced-off community—your tribe—meant you would be alone, fighting for survival. Nature was never the romanticized, hippy-place we like to imagine. It's rough, and surviving as a naked ape is tough. So, for most, exclusion meant certain death, which is why we understandably fear it more than anything.

So we do everything we can to stay within the circle. Please our parents, give in to peer pressure, conform.

Our culture hasn't helped our reptilian brains catch up with these new social structures. Fragmentation—driven by capitalistic incentives—created an infinite number of groups. Each group has to define itself against all the others: taste, talk, access, dress, or any number of exclusive features.

Everybody wants to be like the others. But everybody is unique. By pressing yourself into conformity, you make yourself miserable.

According to research published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, individuals who consistently act contrary to their authentic selves experience significant psychological strain. In one study, people who reported high levels of 'false-self behavior' showed a 37% higher rate of depression and anxiety symptoms. Another study from Harvard Business Review found that 61% of employees admit to 'covering' aspects of their identity to fit workplace norms, with 73% reporting decreased commitment to their organization as a result.

Almost everyone also has had that feeling of "I am different"—and also secretly wants to feel special.

For many, it's fine to have their defined set of groups; it helps structure the chaos of reality and gives an illusion of control.

But then, there are those of us who never really felt they belonged.

Most of us never learn how to navigate these feelings or know what to do about them.

My Journey Through the Borderlands

For most of my school career, I was the geek with the glasses. But even then, I tried living out all the renaissance elements—with only minor success. The peer groups were merciless. I was always only partially part of any group, since I refused to denounce all the others. I did half-pipe inline skating but hated the skater-music and the hang-around-weed lifestyle. I liked being a party animal but didn't want to dress like a dork. I was chief editor of the school newspaper, but converted it into a black-satire magazine. I had a foot in many circles, but nowhere really. I felt lonely often.

Fast forward some 15 years. During surgery residency, I read a book that transformed my life—Radical Honesty by Brad Blanton. I wanted everybody to read it; many refused because of the language barrier. So I reached out to Brad, got the German rights for the book, actually translated it, and published it. I then met him in Stockholm, where we did a fantastic idiot meditation in a café (link). He asked me if I wanted to become a Radical Honesty teacher and help create an online course.

There, I realized I'm not a fanboy or a disciple. I can get excited for people and ideas and thereby for groups, but not to the point that I subscribe to them exclusively. I can't. I am my own guru.

The Superpower of Non-Belonging

That was a freeing moment: realizing that not belonging is not a bug, but a feature. It's my superpower. If I can be in that feeling of not belonging without reacting to it, it creates more freedom to explore and live all the things that excite and interest me—without limitation from any group or moral model.

Think of innovators like Steve Jobs, who credited his outsider perspective for much of his success, or artists like Frida Kahlo, who defied mainstream conventions to become icons in their own right.

The Parable of the Sweet Rice

At the end of my first Vipassana meditation retreat—highly recommended—they shared the parable of the rice and the black pebble. A mother prepared a bowl of sweet rice for her child. The child, eating, discovers a little black pebble in the bowl, gets angry, and throws the bowl across the room. The mother kindly explains—the child could simply take the black pebble out and enjoy the rest of the sweet rice.

I took that as a framework: remove the pebbles from the sweet-rice-groups I want to enjoy. I can go to an electronic dance music festival and have the best of times dressed as an accountant, without any stimulants or drugs, if that's what I feel like. I can sit with a hoodie in a conference room. I can have a giant scorpion temptoo on my neck and still do surgery (true story).

There are, of course, limitations. I'm not consulting patients in a Speedo. But the principle remains.

Funnily enough, much of coaching is about helping people get out of the mental jails they built themselves when subscribing too deeply to certain groups. Most of us forget: it's only a subscription, and you can always cancel. Once you figure that out, you can guide others to do the same (this publication is no different).

Practical Steps for Embracing Your Outsider Status

As an easy start, sit down and write up all the groups you are part of—voluntarily or involuntarily—and then decide which you want to stay in, and which you don't.

You can train your outside-of-group muscle by exposing yourself to groups outside your regular ones. Go live in a different country, start a new hobby in a club, and notice what it feels like to be an outsider. Watch how the transition from outsider to insider takes place and notice the pressure to adapt your worldview. Then consciously throw out the black pebbles you don't like and enjoy the rest of the sweet rice.

Reflection Exercises

Reflection is key to turning difference into strength—try these prompts to dig deeper:

1. What groups do you feel you're "supposed" to belong to, but never quite fit in with?

2. Think of a time when your outside perspective allowed you to see something others missed. How did that benefit you?

3. What "black pebbles" can you remove from groups you otherwise enjoy?

As a reminder of what's possible, consider the path of outsiders who changed the world by honoring their perspective rather than conforming. Their impact wasn't in blending in, but in embracing what set them apart.

Finding Freedom in the Fringe

Throughout my journey, embracing outsider status has been both a challenge and a gift. The sense of freedom and possibility I've gained grows every time I accept that belonging isn't always the goal—living authentically on my terms is. This isn't something I've mastered once and for all; it's an ongoing, active process. But each step outside the "expected" strengthens my sense of purpose and joy.

Your challenge for this week: Identify one group or community where you censor part of yourself to belong. What would happen if you brought your whole self to that space? Or, find a setting where you feel like an outsider and practice being comfortable with that discomfort for 30 minutes. Notice what insights emerge when you're able to observe without needing to belong.

Remember: your difference isn't a limitation, it's a unique vantage point that gives you perspective and freedom others might never experience. Embrace it as your superpower.

To more in life,

Nicco

P.S: This wouldn't be a proper piece on anti-group-think if I didn't offer my own group. I'm working on a small community called "The Renaissance Society," where I'll share my favorite rice (and life) recipes. It will be specifically designed for high-achieving professionals who feel trapped between their success and fulfillment. Using the Renaissance Protocol Framework, we aim to reclaim 5+ hours weekly for creative pursuits and personal passions while maintaining their professional excellence. Each week, we explore one element of the protocol through guided implementation workshops and practical tools that work within your existing schedule. Reply "society" if you want to know more.

P.P.S: This episodes track to dance with